I have traveled home over the long holiday weekend and I have realized how I no longer fit into the mold of the girl YOU know to be. I am a different soul with a new knowledge of things. I left my two years ago to move across the country for an educational program that had seemed unheard of. Not so typical for the caucasian female from the east coast: Outdoor Education. I have learned and changed so much in the last 4 months, let alone the last two years.... however most people do not see or note the change or just possibly doesn't care. Instead of wanting to hear of my stories when I share, they tune their ears to ear what their own thoughts are lingering on. Instead of hearing a new perspective of life, they stick to what they already know. Squares... their life is in squares. My life has become a circle. More rounded and open to changes. Nomadic and peaceful. I find myself having lots of quiet time when I am away.... usually in that quiet time a burning hole enters my chest of where I miss it dearly. I need it. I scream out to God to comfort me because I long for their companionship. But, it changes when I get into the house of the ones of know and love. When I come home, that search for peace and big empty hole become louder. I feel more peace missing them than when I am with them. Why is this? What is wrong with me way of thinking? Have I changed too much?
Lord grant me the peace to work through the things I do not understand. I have faced many battles of love and fear over this journey and I know they are never going to end. I want to be in peace. I want to feel loved by my family... not another thing that they have to just entertain so it doesn't interrupt their routines... I want to be in the place I belong. Where is that god? Why can't I be happy here? Why does it all seem so fake here? Help me to love those who hurt me and have strength when they throw darts to break me. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be alone with you. Its safer there. Its happier there. Even though I am alone, I am with a comforting father and friend who wants to hear my stories. He loves my adventures.... they remind him of his own.
I know that persecution is part of the deal with being a christian.... i get that. By why am I feeling it from my own blood relations. This sucks god.
I want to be alone in the wilderness, its happier there. I want to be surrounded by nature again.... I am happier there.
The weights of society are choking to soul looking for peace.... they are all in squares. No circles.
Nature has no defined edges. Its every changing and ever flowing. Here, the world is hard to change, unbending.
Lord. Give me Peace.